Being Single.....again

I didn't expect to be single at age 48. It was not in my plans. It was a shock. What 48-year-old knows anything about being single and/or dating - and the changes in dating?

I grew up on the romantic movies of the 50s and 60s. You know, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Happily ever after didn't happen for me.

Different churches had programs for singles. My church tried it. The leaders were a happily married couple (both had been divorced). It sounds like it should work but it didn't because grieving single folks don't necessarily want to be in a group where the leaders are happily married. So that group failed in a very short time.

I attended another group for a couple years at the Christian Church. The leaders were single. It was a good group probably because it wasn't a large group.

The group I attended the longest was Lutheran Single Again. It was non-denominational and held at the Luthern Church. It was an excellent group. We read books and discussed them. The very best book was "Growing Through Divorce" by Jim Smoke. This group had weekend retreats with motivational speakers. The leader by a psychologist.

I made friends there. We would get together to play board games like Tabu, Outburst, Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary. Sometimes several of us would go to movies. It was good to have friends with whom to share time.

Some Things I Learned

People who have never experienced a divorce in the family can be very insensitive. They usually don't mean to be unkind but things they say certainly can hurt people who are already suffering.

I discovered that those women who walked out on a marriage and those women whose spouses walked out on them have very similar feelings. I found this to be true because of my friendship with a lady who had two husbands walk out on her. I think twice would be totally devastating.

I attended several different singles groups. It was quite interesting to find that the widows looked down on the divorcees - I have observed that sometimes the widows advoided being divorcees because their spouses died before a divorce could happen.

In the scheme of things, it seems the widows are at the top of the social ladder; the divorcees whose husbands left them are in the middle and at the very bottom are those of us who walked out. Widows were much more accepted by other folks.

Friends of a couple who divorce think they have to choose sides. They really don't but most often they either choose sides or move on to friendships with folks who don't make them feel threatened. I found that married women are either intimadated by divorcees for one of two reasons: 1) they are afraid if it happened to me, it might happen to them. 2) They are afraid I might want their husbands - when I wouldn't want them if they were served up on a silver tray!

I noticed that most widows drove expensive cars. The rest of the single ladies - not so much. Although one lady commented that my red Beretta was a pretty nice car. She was correct. I really liked that red Beretta!

A New Road

I found a small apartment and moved in with a single bed, a dresser, my piano, my Mom's Duncan Phyffe dining room table and chairs and a small black and white TV.

Then for several months Chuck and I went to a marriage counselor. We met together with him twice. I continued to see him and learned so much about myself.

I used to describe Chuck as analytical, logical and reasonable. In the same breath I would describe myself as unanalytical, illogical and unreasonable. What we tell ourselves about who we are can be totally wrong - and yet we believe the things we tell ourselves are the truth.

At the beginning of the marriage counseling, I believed that I had never stood on my own two feet - I grew up sheltered and protected by my parents and 3 brothers, then by the dorm mother at K-State, and then by my husband. What I didn't remember was that I was the bread winner when we were first married while he was in school. I didn't remember that, when Patti was 6 months old, I packed Patti and our things and moved out of the rental house into an apartment. We lived on my teaching salary and without a car for six months.

Marriage counseling helped me so much. Chuck felt it was a failure because it didn't put our marriage back together. It helped me learn that I am a strong woman.

One of the side lights of the marriage counseling was the invitation from the marriage counselor for me to be part of a panel discussion about living alone. The marriage counselor was the moderator. The panel was made up of a widower, a never married, and me. This was televised on the local ABC station. It was an interesting experience. I think that was probably my five minutes of fame! ;-D

A Bend in the Road

I have been procrastinating about blogging for a while now. Today I've decided it is time to take on a difficult subject.

These are my memories of events in my life. These memories are filtered through all the experiences that have made me who I am today. Others will have a different perspective of these memories. This is ok because their memories are theirs and not mine.

After twenty seven years of marriage, I decided to get a divorce. Someone told me they just couldn't believe it because I was always happy and smling - "The happiest girl in the world." Other folks only see as much a we are willing to show them.

I didn't get married to "give it a try." My intention was to be the best wife and mother I could be for as long as I lived. I truly struggled with God's word about divorce.

All my "warm fuzzy" feelings came from my children. I was a good mother. I was the best wife I knew how to be.

A marriage grows and changes through the years. Romantic love turns into a deeper love as the years pass. A husband and wife share interests and grow closer. When this doesn't happen, one spouse may feel like he/she is a shell of a person. I felt like no one lived inside my body.

I do not believe in divorce but I know sometimes it is necessary for a person to continue living.

Tony

Tony and I spent lots of time together after Patti went to college and while his Dad was doing lots of traveling for Rockwell. We had the house to ourselves often.

We ate out and went to some movies. It was during this time when I bought a ten-speed bike. Tony rode it home for me because I had never ridden a bike that had more than one speed! Then Tony taught me how to ride the bike. I really enjoyed that bike. I had a route I rode on a regular basis.

It was time for Tony to apply to colleges. A recruiter from Rose Hulman Institute of Technology visited Marion High. Several of the young men in high school were invited to a dinner with the recruiter and several Rockwell engineers who had graduated from Rose Hulman were there. Tony called the recruiter "Snow Doc."

Tony was sold on Rose Hulman and he applied there. It was where he really wanted to go to school. He also applied to Iowa State in Ames. He was thrilled when he got his letter of acceptance. He received several scholarships, including one from the local Masonic chapter.

When September rolled around, we loaded Tony and his stuff and set out for Terre Haute, Indiana, where Rose Human was located. It was a men's college at that point in time.

He was pretty homesick so we visited several different weekends during the year. I also attended one of the musicals in which Tony had a part. That was fun.

His major was electrical engineering. His first roommate partied quite a lot - Tony cleaned up after him several times. Before too much time passed, Tony changed roommates.

He was active in the Rose Hulman Glee Club; they toured one year giving concerts at Marion Methodist, the Kansas City Christian Church where his uncle and aunt, Bob and Inez Smith attended. They made several other stops on that tour.

Tony said he was told the sophomore year was the hardest. He said he found each of the last three years was the hardest!

Patti

Patti graduated from Marion High School. She chose to attend Buena Vista College in Storm Lake. She auditioned for a music scholarship, which she received. So she packed up to go to college.

It was about a five hour drive. We loaded up the car and the four of us headed out.

Patti's Dad had become a fan of country music. It just happened to be "Loretta Lynn weekend" on the radio station. We listened to many hours of music with a Loretta Lynn song being played every other song.

It was many years before I could listen to a country music station - and I still don't want to listen to Loretta Lynn!! Enough was too much for me!

We got Patti moved in to the dorm. She had a double major in vocal and instrumental music.

We left her there and drove home. We were about ten minutes away when I cried. Tony couldn't figure out why I was crying.

It was hard to let Patti leave the nest. That time comes to all parents, however.

I visited the campus for Mother's weekend. One of the other mothers from Marion drove.

I also visited Buena Vista to see the musical "Guys and Dolls." Patti had a singing part. It is a really fun musical!

Patti transferred to Coe College in Cedar Rapids for the last two years. It was nice to have her back.

She practice taught instrumental music at Marion High. It was fun to watch her direct at one of the concerts.